After The Word

Just five blog entries. Poor show, really. Actually, I've been blogging quite a lot over the last three or four years, just not here; mostly it's been on the blog affiliated to The Word magazine. And that brilliant magazine is no more. The plug for the life support machine keeping its blog alive was pulled this morning. There is a replacement forum (or blog, I'm never quite sure of the distinction) which has been swiftly put together by a couple of clever techies, and which I hope will prosper - although how it attracts new members seems to be a knotty question.

Anyway, I had a last look yesterday, and thought I'd rescue a handful of my posts which I was pleased with, and/or had been well received. I don't know what I'll do with them, but I thought I'd chuck one in here. It's silly in a way, as I'm not sure there's anyone who reads this blog who wasn't a member of the "Word Massive". Still, anyway, here it is...

The date from Hell

I guess most of us have had one. Mine involved online dating, which I suspect is prone to more disasters than other sorts (not that I have any empirical proof for this).

The early omens were good. I'd seen a picture and profile of the woman; she was attractive, had a wide range of interests, and to cap it all was a singer and songwriter. I'd listened to a couple of her songs, and liked them. She suggested we meet in Hammersmith for a drink, and then go to a play by a playwright she assured me was the cat's whiskers. His name was Howard Barker. Some of you may already be shaking your heads.

I realised things were not going to go well when I arrived at the venue, and discovered that I wasn't just meeting her, I was meeting about half a dozen of her friends too. Still, I thought, that's not such a terrible thing to do, and obviously ensures that she'll feel safe meeting a new guy. However, she then introduced me to her friends - as another friend! She was telling her friends a bare-faced lie, and, worse, expected me to collude in it. If this happened today I don't think I'd hesitate to either make my excuses immediately, or to tell her friends the truth. But hey, I was a lonely, horny guy and she was very good looking. So I sort of went along with the charade, and thought maybe she'd lighten up a bit afterwards. Then the curtain went up...

Readers, this play was the most abysmal, meretricious piece of pseudo-intellectual posturing I've ever seen, in any medium. The three actors gave it their all. The two men shuffled around inexplicably, switching lights on and off for no reason, limping for no reason. The woman got her kit off. Whole chunks of dialogue were repeated several times. It made less than no sense. When it was over I couldn't hide my disbelief that I'd been inveigled into sitting through this dreck. I said goodbye and fled. There was no second date.